Thursday, March 6, 2008

Little Bro

I was thinking about my little brother last night. Every so often, memories come flooding back to me of him. I remember floating down Canyon Creek on our inner tubes when we were kids. I remember him being so obnoxious! I remember snubbing him with my best friend... we would make him play the girl or the homeless kid... the crappy parts. And then I remember the last time I saw him. I remember that he was stationed on the Oregon coast and was nearby and wanted to see me. At first I wanted to tell him no or make up an excuse, but for some reason I really wanted to see him. I talked hubby into driving over there and borrowing money for gas, but Sean surprised us instead. He came here. We ate lunch at Shari's and he got to see his little niece. He showed me his rippling abs and gave me one of his patches. That was the last time I saw him. That was October. Two months later he was dead. Two months later he was gone. Two months later he did the unspeakable... something that I will never understand... Something that although I saw his unmistakable high hairline and freckled nose sticking out of the casket that day at his funeral, that I will never believe.... he committed suicide. I still don't believe it. I still expect him to call me and annoy me. I expect to see his name on the phone and think, "Oh great! Sean has something to say that will annoy me!"... I regret saying those things and feeling those things. Of course, I thought he would live to annoy me until he was forty. Just like any good little brother should. I still don't believe it and I still don't understand it. The good thing about dreams is that I get to relieve that last hug from October over and over. As often as I want. I miss my brother. I love my brother. The hardest thing about all of this is not the fact that I will never get to see him again or that I will never hear his voice again... I think that it's the fact that I don't know where he is. A part of me wants to believe that he cried out to God in his final breaths. I heard once that strangling deaths are long and drawn out. I pray he had time to realize his sin and cry out for forgiveness. But a part of me remembers his bitterness toward God and I think he did this in spite of God and he would have done anything but admit he was wrong. I really hope that the former is true... that he is with God. I guess only time will tell. Some day I will be in heaven... but I think I will be too overwhelmed with the wonderful and awesome presence of God to search for my brother. There is no pain in heaven. So maybe I will forget about the pain of losing my brother and think on the joy of the Lord instead. And maybe in the meantime I will have years to heal from this pain and sadness.

10 Comments:

cltgrace said...

Sarah~ It's hard to fathom such loss and pain. I lost my step brother to suicide several years ago. It's just so hard to get your mind or your heart around. Writing about those cherished memories is healing and therapeutic. Nonetheless, said a little prayer for your in the missing~

Thanks for your comment at Grace FULL days~

Pigtails & Polkadots said...

Wow, I'm calling my annoying little brother right now!

devildogwife said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. May God grant you the comfort that you so dearly need.

Melissa~ said...

(((((((((((((((Sarah)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I am praying for a full measure of God's healing comfort and peace for you.

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel!

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.

We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too."
-2 Cor 1:3


Melissa~

Tracye said...

Wow. That is tragic, and so hard for those still hear to understand and cope with. I believe he's in Heaven. I believe "once saved, always saved," because the Bible says nothing can separate us from the love of God.

I'm lifting one toward Heaven right now for you.

Debbie Yost said...

Hi Sarah -

I dropped in for the party, but found this post instead. I am so sorry for your loss. What you wrote to me spoke to me. I have a little brother that annoys me. He and I are so different, but I try to be more patient. After reading this I will try even harder. I will keep you in my prayers and hope one day you will find some peace in your loss.

Audra Marie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart grieves with you. I'm thankful God is your comfort. Grief comes out of nowhere to hit when you least expect it, but God is faithful to carry us through. I think I'll email my little brother now.

Kimberley said...

Hey Sarah~ I came by for the party, but stumbled upon this loss. I am so sorry. I know that no human words can ease your suffering or bring you peace as you grieve for your brother. I pray that as you heal that God will sustain you and use you in a mighty way that bring bring good from this unfortunate loss. Blessings.

Lori - Queen of Dirty Laundry said...

My sympathies for your enormous loss. My prayers are with you.

christina said...

wow. You are not alone in this. Isin't that why we write and read each other's blogs? To know that we're not alone?